I'm so tired of my life...if that's what one can call it. I'm struggling to survive. The noise level is unreal and my brain just can't handle it. My grandson is living with us. He's 12 and my responsibility. I moved him in here in June because it wasn't working where he was living. Now, I understand why he's the way he is and why I ended up with him almost 2 years ago. He's a good kid. He just needs love and guidance...someone who understands him. He's smart...asks questions all the time. Maybe that's what frustrates his step-dad so much.
I need a place of my own. I need someone to help me with day-to-day life...paying bills, fighting with Hewlett-Packard, fighting with the disability insurance company. My brain literally will not wrap around any of it...and now, I'm looking at not only taking care of myself, but caring for my grandson. I may have to place him in foster care.
I simply want to run off and hide from the world. There's this place inside my head...on the AN side, of course...where I like to curl up and hide from life. It's like my own special place. No one else can come in. I simply want to be alone with myself. I can't deal with life. I wonder what happened to the happy, carefree, laughing person I used to be. I wonder if she will ever return. Maybe she's gone forever. I'm not sure life is worth living without her.
I have no friends...my family has deserted me. It's been months since I've talked to my other kids. I had surgery this week and I haven't heard from either of my younger kids. As long as I stay out of their lives, they're happy. I often wonder what I ever did to deserve this life. I love my kids more than life itself. No matter what they say or do, they are still my kids. Even though I live with one of my daughters, I'm still pretty much on my own. We simply coexist.
My eye is all swollen again this morning. The eyeball is bloodshot...it looks so gross. I should have kept ice packs on it yesterday. I stayed in my room all day...avoiding the chaos in the house. I've lost my way...maybe God has lost me too.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Eye Surgery
Wow! Can't believe I haven't written anything in weeks. I had my eye surgery this week. My face looks so much better. My smile is starting to come back. Life looks so much brighter his week.
Dr. Frohner got my meds straightened around. My depression has lifted. Thank God! I'm always so aware of when I'm sinking into that dark pit so I try really hard to find the reason. So many times, it's medication, but other times, it's simply the stress of life.
Dr. Frohner got my meds straightened around. My depression has lifted. Thank God! I'm always so aware of when I'm sinking into that dark pit so I try really hard to find the reason. So many times, it's medication, but other times, it's simply the stress of life.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Depression. Panic Attacks.
I hate days like today. I'm struggling. My depression is back. I hate it! I want my life back. I want to be happy again. I woke up Saturday morning with thoughts of suicide. I would never do anything like that. I've thought about it before. I think we all do at one time or another. This time it was different. It almost beckoned to me. I dismissed the thoughts immediately, but the fact that I had them seemed to stay with me all day.
I thought I was doing so well. I've been taking my effexor and it seemed to be helping. I ran out a few weeks ago when my insurance was canceled by HP. I had the doctor give me a prescription for the generic form. I had been taking the brand name in a timed release form. The generic isn't timed release. I have to take it twice a day. It seemed to be working OK...maybe better than the name brand one. My insurance was good again so I asked the doctor to put me back on the name brand. I'd been on it a week or so. Now, I was having thoughts of suicide. I blamed them on the effexor...the name brand version. I quit taking it. I've been back on the generic since Saturday. I thought it was helping. Maybe not.
I have an appointment tomorrow morning with my family doctor. I'm going to talk to her about it. I also called my therapist from last fall. I want to start seeing her again. I need her to help me find an advocate. I get panic attacks whenever I have to deal with people on the phone. I don't know why it upsets me though. I will sit and cry about it and never pick up the phone. I dread having to deal with the idiots at HP, Sedgwick CMS, and HP's COBRA area. They keep passing me from one to the other and it's a never ending cycle. They never talk to each other and I never know when one is telling me the truth or not. It's like each group knows only their area of expertise...when they cross over, they are all lost. All I want is one person to talk to...one person who will say this is what I need to do to keep my disability and my medical benefits...one person who knows my situation, understands it, and understands HP's policies regarding it. Why is that so difficult?
I need an advocate! I can't deal with this anymore. It upsets me and makes my depression worse. My therapist will help. She will know where I can turn for someone to help me through the bureaucracy of corporate idiocracy. Endless voice mail systems, email...doesn't anyone talk on the phone anymore? Why do I have to deal with computers and people who don't answer emails?
I talked to an attorney. He said to start documenting everything...writing certified letters. I haven't done any of that. I mentioned to a case worker at Anthem Blue Cross that I had spoke to an attorney....5 hours later, all of my benefits were reinstated. Funny how certain words get things done. Now we're back at it. I got a form in the mail that I'm supposed to sign and return. It authorizes HP to withdraw the premiums for my benefits from my account. No letter is with it...I have no idea whether it's for COBRA premiums or not. If it's for COBRA, then I won't sign it...I'm not supposed to be on COBRA until I go off disability. I have to call someone about it. I'm scared to death!
I thought I was doing so well. I've been taking my effexor and it seemed to be helping. I ran out a few weeks ago when my insurance was canceled by HP. I had the doctor give me a prescription for the generic form. I had been taking the brand name in a timed release form. The generic isn't timed release. I have to take it twice a day. It seemed to be working OK...maybe better than the name brand one. My insurance was good again so I asked the doctor to put me back on the name brand. I'd been on it a week or so. Now, I was having thoughts of suicide. I blamed them on the effexor...the name brand version. I quit taking it. I've been back on the generic since Saturday. I thought it was helping. Maybe not.
I have an appointment tomorrow morning with my family doctor. I'm going to talk to her about it. I also called my therapist from last fall. I want to start seeing her again. I need her to help me find an advocate. I get panic attacks whenever I have to deal with people on the phone. I don't know why it upsets me though. I will sit and cry about it and never pick up the phone. I dread having to deal with the idiots at HP, Sedgwick CMS, and HP's COBRA area. They keep passing me from one to the other and it's a never ending cycle. They never talk to each other and I never know when one is telling me the truth or not. It's like each group knows only their area of expertise...when they cross over, they are all lost. All I want is one person to talk to...one person who will say this is what I need to do to keep my disability and my medical benefits...one person who knows my situation, understands it, and understands HP's policies regarding it. Why is that so difficult?
I need an advocate! I can't deal with this anymore. It upsets me and makes my depression worse. My therapist will help. She will know where I can turn for someone to help me through the bureaucracy of corporate idiocracy. Endless voice mail systems, email...doesn't anyone talk on the phone anymore? Why do I have to deal with computers and people who don't answer emails?
I talked to an attorney. He said to start documenting everything...writing certified letters. I haven't done any of that. I mentioned to a case worker at Anthem Blue Cross that I had spoke to an attorney....5 hours later, all of my benefits were reinstated. Funny how certain words get things done. Now we're back at it. I got a form in the mail that I'm supposed to sign and return. It authorizes HP to withdraw the premiums for my benefits from my account. No letter is with it...I have no idea whether it's for COBRA premiums or not. If it's for COBRA, then I won't sign it...I'm not supposed to be on COBRA until I go off disability. I have to call someone about it. I'm scared to death!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Rough Week
It's been a rough week. Woke up a couple of days ago and again today with pain in my AN eye. Not really sure what's causing it. I seem to go through a full tube of Lacri-Lube trying to get it to 'calm down'. The eye is red and the lower lid is very sore. It almost burns if I touch it with the tip of the Lacri-Lube. I can't wait till I see Dr. Mauzolf. Hopefully, he can help me find a way to keep my eye comfortable.
My headache seems worse when my eye is inflamed also. Wonky head rules the day and I seem to have more problems with my balance. Seems the best way to deal with it all is to take my hydrocodone and sleep.
I complain about spending so much time in my room, but it's really the only place I want to be. It hurts to think. I don't have the strength to deal with every day life. The screaming and yelling of my grandkids is too much....too much noise...too much stress. I'd really like to simply go to sleep and wake up when this nightmare is over.
I still don't have an appointment with a local neurosurgeon. Michelle, my contact at their office, called yesterday to update me on what was going on. She said one of the doctors didn't want to take my case and has passed it to one of his partners. The partner won't be in the office until the 19th. Hopefully, he will be willing to take over my case. I wonder what happens if he doesn't want to do it either. I guess I can always try Omaha. Now I understand what Jeff said about finding a local doctor when he moved here from out of state.
My headache seems worse when my eye is inflamed also. Wonky head rules the day and I seem to have more problems with my balance. Seems the best way to deal with it all is to take my hydrocodone and sleep.
I complain about spending so much time in my room, but it's really the only place I want to be. It hurts to think. I don't have the strength to deal with every day life. The screaming and yelling of my grandkids is too much....too much noise...too much stress. I'd really like to simply go to sleep and wake up when this nightmare is over.
I still don't have an appointment with a local neurosurgeon. Michelle, my contact at their office, called yesterday to update me on what was going on. She said one of the doctors didn't want to take my case and has passed it to one of his partners. The partner won't be in the office until the 19th. Hopefully, he will be willing to take over my case. I wonder what happens if he doesn't want to do it either. I guess I can always try Omaha. Now I understand what Jeff said about finding a local doctor when he moved here from out of state.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Pain....
Woke up this morning in pain...can't seem to get rid of it. My left eye aches...not sure why. I have almost 2 weeks before I see the 'eyelid specialist'. It continues to ache tonight. I've also had a headache all day. I've been popping hydrocodone all day and it's not helping. Lots of pressure in my head.
Monday, July 5, 2010
I Missed the Fireworks!
Yesterday was the 4th of July. We went downtown to the city of Seward's celebration and got funnel cakes. Mine had Bavarian Creme on it...one of God's most heavenly delights...lol
I didn't watch the fireworks last night. I wanted to...I'd been looking forward to them. My AN eye hurt. It's been bothering me most of the week. I saw the opthalmologist this week and have an appointment to see an 'eyelid specialist' the 19th, but meanwhile, I just have to bear with it. All of the neighbors were lighting fireworks. We couldn't see them from our driveway, but the smoke was everywhere. It burned my eye terribly. When my grandkids started lighting our fireworks, my eye really started protesting. The bright flashing lights, in addition to the smoke, caused me eye to hurt so bad that I came inside and shortly when to bed.
My eye still hurts today. I keep putting ointment on it, but it doesn't seem to help for more than a few minutes. I will be glad when I see the doctor. I'm afraid to do anything more than use the ointments for fear of causing more problems. The opthalmologist gave me some lubricant gel, but it burns when I use it.
I didn't watch the fireworks last night. I wanted to...I'd been looking forward to them. My AN eye hurt. It's been bothering me most of the week. I saw the opthalmologist this week and have an appointment to see an 'eyelid specialist' the 19th, but meanwhile, I just have to bear with it. All of the neighbors were lighting fireworks. We couldn't see them from our driveway, but the smoke was everywhere. It burned my eye terribly. When my grandkids started lighting our fireworks, my eye really started protesting. The bright flashing lights, in addition to the smoke, caused me eye to hurt so bad that I came inside and shortly when to bed.
My eye still hurts today. I keep putting ointment on it, but it doesn't seem to help for more than a few minutes. I will be glad when I see the doctor. I'm afraid to do anything more than use the ointments for fear of causing more problems. The opthalmologist gave me some lubricant gel, but it burns when I use it.
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