Ready to give up!

I'm so tired of my life...if that's what one can call it. I'm struggling to survive. The noise level is unreal and my brain just can't handle it. My grandson is living with us. He's 12 and my responsibility. I moved him in here in June because it wasn't working where he was living. Now, I understand why he's the way he is and why I ended up with him almost 2 years ago. He's a good kid. He just needs love and guidance...someone who understands him. He's smart...asks questions all the time. Maybe that's what frustrates his step-dad so much.

I need a place of my own. I need someone to help me with day-to-day life...paying bills, fighting with Hewlett-Packard, fighting with the disability insurance company. My brain literally will not wrap around any of it...and now, I'm looking at not only taking care of myself, but caring for my grandson. I may have to place him in foster care.

I simply want to run off and hide from the world. There's this place inside my head...on the AN side, of course...where I like to curl up and hide from life. It's like my own special place. No one else can come in. I simply want to be alone with myself. I can't deal with life. I wonder what happened to the happy, carefree, laughing person I used to be. I wonder if she will ever return. Maybe she's gone forever. I'm not sure life is worth living without her.

I have no friends...my family has deserted me. It's been months since I've talked to my other kids. I had surgery this week and I haven't heard from either of my younger kids. As long as I stay out of their lives, they're happy. I often wonder what I ever did to deserve this life. I love my kids more than life itself. No matter what they say or do, they are still my kids. Even though I live with one of my daughters, I'm still pretty much on my own. We simply coexist.

My eye is all swollen again this morning. The eyeball is bloodshot...it looks so gross. I should have kept ice packs on it yesterday. I stayed in my room all day...avoiding the chaos in the house. I've lost my way...maybe God has lost me too.

Ready to give up!

I'm so tired of my life. I no longer have the ability to

Eye Surgery

Wow! Can't believe I haven't written anything in weeks. I had my eye surgery this week. My face looks so much better. My smile is starting to come back. Life looks so much brighter his week.

Dr. Frohner got my meds straightened around. My depression has lifted. Thank God! I'm always so aware of when I'm sinking into that dark pit so I try really hard to find the reason. So many times, it's medication, but other times, it's simply the stress of life.