Depression. Panic Attacks.

I hate days like today. I'm struggling. My depression is back. I hate it! I want my life back. I want to be happy again. I woke up Saturday morning with thoughts of suicide. I would never do anything like that. I've thought about it before. I think we all do at one time or another. This time it was different. It almost beckoned to me. I dismissed the thoughts immediately, but the fact that I had them seemed to stay with me all day.

I thought I was doing so well. I've been taking my effexor and it seemed to be helping. I ran out a few weeks ago when my insurance was canceled by HP. I had the doctor give me a prescription for the generic form. I had been taking the brand name in a timed release form. The generic isn't timed release. I have to take it twice a day. It seemed to be working OK...maybe better than the name brand one. My insurance was good again so I asked the doctor to put me back on the name brand. I'd been on it a week or so. Now, I was having thoughts of suicide. I blamed them on the effexor...the name brand version. I quit taking it. I've been back on the generic since Saturday. I thought it was helping. Maybe not.

I have an appointment tomorrow morning with my family doctor. I'm going to talk to her about it. I also called my therapist from last fall. I want to start seeing her again. I need her to help me find an advocate. I get panic attacks whenever I have to deal with people on the phone. I don't know why it upsets me though. I will sit and cry about it and never pick up the phone. I dread having to deal with the idiots at HP, Sedgwick CMS, and HP's COBRA area. They keep passing me from one to the other and it's a never ending cycle. They never talk to each other and I never know when one is telling me the truth or not. It's like each group knows only their area of expertise...when they cross over, they are all lost. All I want is one person to talk to...one person who will say this is what I need to do to keep my disability and my medical benefits...one person who knows my situation, understands it, and understands HP's policies regarding it. Why is that so difficult?

I need an advocate! I can't deal with this anymore. It upsets me and makes my depression worse. My therapist will help. She will know where I can turn for someone to help me through the bureaucracy of corporate idiocracy. Endless voice mail systems, email...doesn't anyone talk on the phone anymore? Why do I have to deal with computers and people who don't answer emails?

I talked to an attorney. He said to start documenting everything...writing certified letters. I haven't done any of that. I mentioned to a case worker at Anthem Blue Cross that I had spoke to an attorney....5 hours later, all of my benefits were reinstated. Funny how certain words get things done. Now we're back at it. I got a form in the mail that I'm supposed to sign and return. It authorizes HP to withdraw the premiums for my benefits from my account. No letter is with it...I have no idea whether it's for COBRA premiums or not. If it's for COBRA, then I won't sign it...I'm not supposed to be on COBRA until I go off disability. I have to call someone about it. I'm scared to death!